hello beautiful!! it is currently 12:13 a.m. and i am writing this from my bed after having a huge realization about my life and more motivation than i've had in forever. i was in one of those seasons where you get down on yourself about everything. anyone know what i mean? it's that whole thing where you get in a negative and unhealthy mindset that causes you to degrade yourself no matter how hard you try. it's the voice that causes you to question your worth and wonder why you can't seem to do anything right.
those feelings had been hitting me pretty hard this past week. i felt like i was constantly slipping behind. i never finished everything on my to-do list, and instead of focusing on the long list of accomplishments, i could only see where i failed to measure up to my self-given expectations. i was feeling like this in so many aspects of my life; i was constantly telling myself that i wasn't consistent enough with my faith; that i wasn't eating well and working out enough; that i wasn't doing enough on my summer work. while all these things were/are true, the pressure i was putting on myself and the feeling of not being "enough" was unnecessary.
i was thinking about how horrible i was feeling about myself when something clicked. i am in control. i am the one who gets to decide how i spend my time, what i put into my body, how hard i work for what i want, and what i get done. for so long i was focusing on the crappy feelings and complaining about where i was that it didn't even occur to me to take a second to breathe and look at the source of my troubles.
it's so simple for me to get caught up in the feelings instead of focusing on the actions that cause them. it's almost easier that way. to acknowledge the emotions without addressing why they're happening in the first place.
but i'm done with that.
i'm done with thinking i'm a failure because i gave myself more than i can handle, and i'm done wasting my time when i could be dedicating it to the things that better my life.
i'm done making excuse for what i know i need to do. i'm done making excuses for pushing aside my priorities because something else may seem more appealing at the time.
it is time for me to realize that it's up to me. i can watch my life drag me along, or i can choose to recognize the power i have over my decisions and make my life exactly what i want it to be.
i recognize that there are some things i will never be able to control. i can't control the actions of others or the unexpected twists and turns that tend to get thrown in my direction, but i can choose how i treat people, and how i respond to everything that heads my way.
it's my life, and my responsibility to make it the best it can freaking be. i have high expectations for myself, and i will accept no less than exactly what i deserve. i often associate not settling with relationships and friendships, but it really applies to how i treat myself as well. why should i set myself up to receive anything less than what i deserve? trick question: i shouldn't, and i won't. it's time to kick that negative self-talk out the door and focus only on making my life what i want it to be.
repeat after me:
i am in control. i have power over my decisions. i have the power to shape my life. i have an obligation to myself to receive what i deserve to be given. i will not allow myself to settle for a watered-down version of me, but i will also be realistic and give myself rest when i need it. this is MY life, and it is up to ME to allow it to be all that it can. i am worthy, i am loved, i am strong, i am grounded, and i am u n s h a k e a b l e.
i know it sounds stupid, but just writing that down breathed confidence and motivation into me. do not allow yourself to shrink in fear from your full potential. this blog was one of those journal-type ones that essentially end up being word-vomit where i unlock some sort of truth that speaks to my soul, but i hope it speaks to yours as well.
quick side note-- i'm thinking about starting up a youtube channel (technically, i already have one which you can find here, but i want to actually create regular content)! what do you think? i've been contemplating it for a while, and it might be time for me to make it happen. i think it would be an extension of the blog, so if that's something you would like to see, hit up the comments or the dm's and give me some video ideas!! no matter where we end up, i hope we can continue to expand our community and open it up to more people who need to hear some kind words.
i know it's been a while since i've blogged, but to all those reading, i wanted to thank you for being so patient with my inconsistency. i hope that i can take more learning moments like this one and share them with you guys.
thank you so, so much for reading. i hope you have a great rest of your morning, afternoon, or evening (and remember, you have the control to make it so!!) i love you all <3