i love to think about the future. now that i'm graduating high school, the future i've always contemplated is quickly meshing with the present. the future is blossoming before me; yet something i imagined to perfection feels out of control.
i'm a huge planner. i've thought about the classes within and outside of my major that i'll want to take. i've thought about different places i'll want to study and the culture i'll want to experience while i'm there. i've thought about where i want to live after graduating college, who i'll want to live with, and how i'll furnish my first apartment. i've imagined getting engaged and planning a wedding. i've imagined buying my first house and decorating rooms for the 4 kids i've already picked names for. i've thought about where to send them to school, and what my life will be like after i start a family.
to me, all these plans for the future always seemed like the only way. i thought that if i wanted it bad enough, it would show up for me. and for some things, it does. i believe you get what you give, and it's proven true for what i've worked for and what i've tried to manifest. i understand there is much of my life within my control, and that my hard work and passion is what gives me the power over my circumstances.
what i've come to understand is that there are still many things still out of my control. i don't know who will hire me. i don't know if i'll land my dream job. i don't know who i'll end up living with. I don't know if there will be someone to have my dream wedding with, and i don't know if i'll have the two girls and two boys that show up so often in my vision for the future.
all these depend on things i cannot control. it's hard for me to accept this, because i long so badly for my beautiful, invisible future to make itself a reality. i'm writing this for myself, because i need to remember to accept the things i cannot control, and instead focus on what i am capable of. i am capable of being a selfless and supportive friend. i am capable of working hard in my classes. i am capable of learning on my own. i am capable of controlling how i treat my body and i am working on having more power over my thoughts.
tonight serves as a reminder that my future will not look the way i planned it. it feels like a harsh reality, but it isn't. things may not work out the way we want them to, but they ALWAYS work out the way they are supposed to. the universe/god (or whatever you believe in) knows your future and knows why things happen, and on days where it's hard to understand, remember that everything in the past has lead you to where you are today, and everything that is happening now is leading you to where you are supposed to be going.