disclaimer: because this is a post about a breakup, i was obviously broken up with, but to anyone who clicked on this in hopes of reading a dramatic story about what happened, you've come to the wrong place. i am so blessed and thankful to have been in a healthy relationship for such a long time. we ended on good terms for mature reasons, and any negative emotions that i am feeling now come from my reaction to the actual breakup and in no way reflect how i was treated in the relationship. there was no drama and no problems, only trying to work out what was best for us in the long run.
that being said, breakups suck. this is my first breakup where i've been the one getting broken up with. i always assumed i'd rather get broken up with because the thought of hurting someone i loved seemed so awful, but in reality, getting hurt by someone you love is so much worse. because i love and care about the person i was in the relationship with, when it ended, i automatically became insecure about my own character because my brain decided i was the problem. none of this was true or inflicted from the person breaking up with me, but rather what i thought the breakup implied.
when you're in a relationship, you're choosing to commit to choosing someone. for every day you're in the relationship with them, you wake up choosing to put in the effort that makes the love you have for each other visible. the nature of the breakup is that once this relationship ends, you're no longer being chosen. the lack of connection automatically caused me to assume that i was no longer worthy or deserving of someone choosing me and that other circumstances become more important than putting in the effort required to make the relationship work. this choice isn't a bad thing, because people have different priorities at different times and it is so important show up for yourself first and give yourself what you need before choosing someone else, which i wholeheartedly believe in and understand. despite this being the case, the hurt i felt from losing a person i love caused me to assume that i was the problem and not worth the effort any longer.
though the pain felt in heartbreak is so, so real, i'm not going to dwell on it. i'm sure if you're here reading this, you've felt it, and if not, strap in, because it's coming soon. either way, it doesn't need to be explained. so instead we'll be talking about healing.
i am not healed. if healing comes at the end of the marathon, i'm just barely reaching the starting line. however, even though i'm not healed, i'm learning about the ways i should be healing, and that's what i'm going to talk about.
since being broken up with, i've dove into so many sources for advice. the best ones i've found are the girls gotta eat podcast (specifically the episodes on breakups and being friends with an ex) and everybody, always by bob goff. both of these sources have very different views, one being from a podcast on relationships; the other a christian book about loving everyone you meet, even those you wouldn't think deserve it. i've taken a little bit of both and I'm using the two to help me form my own idea of healing:
1. handle it with grace. i've made mistakes before and burned bridges with too many people. i've made my own fair share of mistakes in this breakup as well, but i am trying my best to handle my healing in a way that doesn't hurt anyone and doesn't eliminate any possible friendships for the future. this is important not only for the positive preservation of the relationship, but also for my own character and who i want to be as a person.
2. prioritizing myself. i'm understanding that i need to heal, and that i have to spend time with myself in order to do so. i'm understanding that i can't allow myself to make decisions that will hurt me more and that i need to allow healing to take it's place by making decisions that make sense for me and my situation. that being said, it's still important for me to...
3. prioritize others. after reading everybody, always, i'm know how important it is to love people despite the pain they've caused me. right now, that means continuing to respect my last relationship and the person it was with. i'm not going to talk bad about them, because even though i'm hurt, they handled the situation with grace and continue to show me nothing but love. obviously, prioritizing him will look different than it did in the relationship, and figuring out a new way for us to fit into each other's lives is very difficult. the post-breakup stages have been hard for me, but i know that this is someone i can't lose by making bad decisions while i'm hurting, which is why i make it a priority to only speak good things about him and not fall into the pattern of talking about someone disrespectfully just because they hurt you, especially since i know none of the pain was caused intentionally.
4. lean on your friends. naturally in relationships, the person you're dating becomes "your person" and they constantly know everything about you just because you love each other's company so much you never want to stop talking. it was a weird shock to realize i didn't have anyone who checked up on me as often as he did, until i realized that i did. i realized just how great my friends are, and having such amazing people in my life has me falling asleep with something to be thankful for every night. i've also realized that since a relationship takes a ton of commitment, i know am able to take the time we used to spend together and invest it in those other relationships, which are ones i can't wait to strengthen.
and to lead us to the last and most important way i'm healing:
5. lean into what God says about you. every single day my brain tries to tell me that i am not worthy of love or being chosen and that i'm not someone who is worth the effort a relationship takes. each day, i remind myself that these are all lies because they're all the complete opposite of what God tells me about myself. He tells me that i am worthy, chosen, and worth so much that His only son died for me. some days it's so hard to believe those words because the hurt and the lies overpower them, but i continue to tell them to myself because i know that one day i will wake up and not only understand just how true they are, but actually feel their truth as i'm living my life.
if you're still here reading this extremely long ramble that is mostly just to assure myself and remind me constantly of what it is i should be doing to make myself better, i hope that it helps. i hope that you can handle this breakup with grace and i hope that i can too. i hope that we both know that the love we have for others never really goes away, it just starts to look a little different, and that's okay. remember that pain needs to be felt, but so does healing. allow yourself to feel both. you are strong, beautiful, and worthy of unquestionable and unconditional love.