for the past year or so, i've struggled a lot with coming to terms with my past and finding peace within my growth and progression throughout high school and what these things mean for my future.
before we dive in, i want to preface by saying i've had a pretty good life and my struggles pale in comparison to what others go through. though i know this is true, it doesn't make what i've worked through any less important.
throughout my 3 and a half years of high school, i've looked back nostalgically on a lot of the relationships in my life that have changed. i can confidently say that none of these changes has ever ended on a bad note. of course i've been sad. tears have been shed, and ice cream has been consumed in mass volumes, but i don't look back on any faded relationship wishing to erase it from my memory.
i know the loss of relationships in my life came from the fact that people change and grow at different rates. what's right for one person may not be right for the other, and that's totally fine. sometimes we still love people but know it's best to go separate ways. we're all human and so we can't expect to always be on the same page. that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with the people, just that we no longer align as well as they used to.
although i'm aware of this, i've always struggled with coming to peace with it. i've spent so much time wondering about the people i no longer talk to on a daily basis. i wonder what they think of me now. i wonder what they're doing. i wonder how they're doing, and as much as i hate it, i wonder if i'm doing better than they are.
like i said, it's been going on for a while, and i've always tried to fight the feelings by pushing them away and praying to just stop wondering about the people i miss. the other night i felt so weighed down by it and i pulled out my journal and began to write prayer for the first time in months. what i came up with was this:
"i want to begin to feel a passion for Jesus so badly. i want to be on fire for Him and push the weights of my heart to give love and acceptance to the ones who have hurt me and the ones that i have hurt. to see things from their side. that they feel what i feel, and no matter the distance between us, i will remember that no one who has positively touched my life was ever a waste and that, through Christ we are still together and united and empathetic and that that thoughts and remembrances of others are not something that can be fought off, nor should they be. moving on does not mean erasing to forgetting, or smothering. it means thankfulness and recognition that God places everyone in my life f0r a reason. and here, a year or so later, i recognize that this is what healing means. healing doesn't mean pushing away until the day where the thoughts stop coming but through the recognition that people come into our lives and that their relationship with us will change until they find their new place in our life where God wants them."
for me, this was a huge moment. i was in tears (happy ones!) because i had finally felt peace. I realized that focusing on the good memories and the lessons are so important. i've wasted so much time building up anger towards so many people while i completely forgot that they were in my life on purpose. some taught me how to be a good friend because our friendship was so solid. some people i barely talk to anymore are the ones that met me right at the beginning of my journey with Christ and helped me to take my first steps toward Him, which i am endlessly thankful for. some gave me the best memories of my life. sometimes leaving one relationship has led me to so many new ones that wouldn't have been there without it. with each closed door, another one opens.
for a long time i forgot to look at the good. and now looking back on it, it feels so simple, because really, how mad can i be at someone who ultimately positively impacted my life while they were in it and taught me a ton. i can't, can i?
so with that, i want to say thank you to my past, because i am blessed to have had it. i'm grateful for each and every person who has crossed paths with me, and i hope i've had at least half the impact they've had on my life. i genuinely wish everyone the best, which is not something i honestly could have said before taking the time to dive into the whole topic through journalling. this is a big step for me, and i know i can't be the only one feeling this way which is why i was so inclined to share. hoping that it can resonate with someone out there, or at least will resonate with me if i ever need to come back to remember the importance of finding this peace.
wishing you all the best, especially as we transition into the new year. hoping this year can be the one where we can look back on the past years with fondness for the memories had and the lessons learned.